rilly4gt10

[ Shed Off Station / 解脫 ]

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

can there ever be unconditional love? haiz... can love realli exist juz by both parties knowing love is in their hearts? wat can one get from loving in such a wae? or is there such ppl who onli want to known as "attached but still very available"? can there ever be someone who is single yet attached? hw can all this eva happen?

it alwaes seems like one party is giving, the other taking yet nt reciprocating... all this is so v tiring and so hurting... all coz one is putting in so much effort while the other juz mereli puts in wateva her lil finger can afford to lift... seems tho itz not worth to be in such a rls since there is no return from the endless investments or no harvest from all those hard works to nurture and grow luv... by standers wld realli juz laff at the person who is so dumb and foolish to still wanting to follow this vicious cycle tt never reaps any profit but more pain n suffering. so dumb n foolish i think to myself too, but if i neva try, wld there b any results? wat if i tried and there wld b favourable results... but den... who m i kidding.... one-sided affairs are alwaes foolish and nonsensical. they are juz excuses for one side to be deepli in luv n the other side to show others tt they are so fortunate. is it so hard for reciprocation to happen? nt the v least once? occassionalli one may sae is enuff but is it realli enuff to realli keep everiting going? hw will others think? "u reap wat u sow" they say, but it doesn't happen. so much efforts put in but all are juz taken and left aside, so wth m i trying so hard for? haiz.... can someone plz help....

u'd tell me b4 that luv dun nid to sae out, juz know itz in the heart can le... yeah... i know itz in the heart, somewhere, juz that i dunnoe where, where is ur "in the heart"? is it at the v back where u hide it so secretly that u will neva even bother to bring it out ever again? if ttz eva the caze, den ur "in the heart" theory is juz a facade for u to disguise ur very intentions to keep someone by ur side for as long as u nid... if u realli put love in ur heart n dun sae out at all, will the other party ever know... if ttz the wae u feel things shd b, there won't b any nid for sweet toking, no one will sae "I love u", no one will show the other party ani concern. everyone will juz mind their own business and take life as it wld be.... if things were nt to be said/showed coz u will know itz thr den haiz... dun wish to carry on this... each haf their own opinion... i'm prejudiced so be it...

hw can a rls be presented as "i'm tt wae, i told u b4, u like it u take it, u dunch, u can juz leave it, ttz all" haiz... itz tho rls is juz an item tt u present to others to test the acceptance. hw cld tiz eva be.... u may b young and reckless but when will u eva bcum mature if u eva wanna stay this wae foreva? change is nt something u can do, u sae... but change is something u will undergo, itz nt something u can DO.... if resistance to change makes u feel betta, by all means plz juz go ahead and resist. all i want is for u 2 b wat u feel will make u happie...

which person can eva stand their other half doing things that hurt them right in front of them? they wldn't even know wat happens realli behind their back. wld it be worst, wld it be less or perhaps nt as bad as in presence of tt v person? who can realli stand ur other half flirt abt wif the other gender right under their nose? tolerance is the wae to go one might say... but how long can one eva tolerate all this humiliation and misery? everyday is such a long time to pass, nobody can realli last v long coz itz v tiring juz nt to think of it nor to see all these things.... further more to worrie abt wat happens behind their backs..... being cuckold is realli more den wat most peeps can eva tolerate.if one sees freedom as being able to flirt ard even when one is attached den the freedom seems to be abit more den freedom. y eva get into a rls when u still wanna go ard flirting? doesn't it make one realise that it realli hurts the other party to see all these happening? is it realli that hard to notice? explanation serves onli as an excuse.... words neva speak louder den action.... if words can let one get awae wif everiting, den there shd neva be action. [i find that i've been frowning every second i'm typing all this, tears are rolling within the eyes. onli inner strength from the soul is holding them back... i'm nt trying to touch anyone wif this, juz pinning down all thats realli bothering me dae to dae to dae to dae...]

everidae is so emotionalli tiring, peers haf asked me to let go earli but how cld i? i've devoted myself to this rls even more den i devote to myself. i'm willing to change to suit the other party but y can't everything be 2 wae instead of one? i'm like travelling on a one wae expresswae trying to meet someone who i m suppose to meet but seems tho that person neva ever set off at all... i'm racing... racing... racing... but neva will i meet that someone nor the end of the road... so painful i've alwaes felt eva since i've fallen in.... this trap is so full of torments n misery i wonder hw long i can last... will there eva be light at the end of the tunnel if u stick to it... seems like there is no possibilities... except for the minute times u get to see candles tt help lite up abit of the tunnel...

think my eyes are playing tricks on me... i'm starting to see the words dance... or is it coz of all the tears stuck there... i'm nt sure if i shd carry on.... i m indeed a foolish person if i were to sae.... i m thinking of it everynite,day and time... so sad i get everytime i think i hafta let go coz i know i willl regret everything in the end and juz lose myself... haiz... all those tormentous sessions i went tru... all the sadness i get in life... now is the peak of all of these emotional distress... psychology has alwaes been my fav thing but den nw i think tt i can't take up psycho coz i realli m too affected by things to be realli in control... i've lost my dreams... i've lost myself... i've lost my v soul... nothing can retrieve me from the realms of the lostness... revival will never be a solution... death awaits at the interval. when that will be, there no definite answer.... this is like a slow death for me.... everyday i go thru the same old pain, i juz go tru it all... as tho itz part and parcel of life... if that is the wae i hafta go on... haiz....

think i'll end here... crying is neva an option for guys... if onli there wld be understanding parents in the household i can open to.... the onli child alwaes suffer emotionalli alone... hide in a corner and be autistic is wat i shd do... gd bye frenz... once i'm autistic i may nt remember who u all are... thanks for reading all this... but do remember me if u realli care.... otherwise.... juz like my nick suggest... i can be really4gt10 (really forgotten) gd bye dear dear world that open my eyes to so much things before i can realli set myself to fight for wat i want... giving up seems like the best option to me nw... how m i gonna put it.... haiz... gd bye den... i'll hafta think of a wae.... amiable or nt itz nt up to me to decide... but wait i shd hold on or shd i... i realli nid help... shd i dial 1800-46434357 (1800-i-nid-help) haiz... wat shd i do....

[P.S.: i will neva stop loving u juz tt it realli hurts me everytime to see wat u do. every bit hurts... so much pain i carry wif me into my sleep everytime having to try and hide them awae but be reminded of it everytime i see u. i try nt to look but it juz so alwaes happen onli when i look. hw can i nt care? if i dun care, who will? juz let u know i will love u alwaes]

遗忘记录史 10:56 PM

HAIZ... itz me again..... sorry to alwaes start of wif my cliche "haiz..." but den... wheneva i log into here.... it realli is "HAIZ...." to me... it all juz complaints or sad thoughts for me when i come in here and "trash things out wif moiself"
oh no irritating customers coming in and out... can they like so stop coming in and bother me? haiyoh... get lost manz~ i hate moi life now... so much misery and so much worries.... i'm looking old, sad and frustrated all the time.... or shd i sae i look more constipated wif so much feeelings stuck inside of me.... oh mi god... shd i get emotional diarrhoea to get everything out? will that eva help instead? haiyoh... can i eva stop all this nonsense... will i eva enter a happie entrie for as long as i stay on this earth? seems like tho it will neva happen.....

d-day is so wonderful to me.... seems like it will be the end of everything and the end of all elze misery...... misery, misery, misery..... so much of it flooding ppl's life all the time, every second every minute every hour every dae every month every year every light year.... ok think i gone too far liaoz.... haiyoh... so much so long and soooooooooooooo unstoppable..................... my god.... how can this alwaes be happening.... i've stoppped for the time being... will be back later to fill in later....

ok i'm back.... seems like i'm cheered up abit but den still feeling extremeli low... but den haiz.... i can see some light within the darkness but so meagre/tiny/little is the light that itz almost non-noticeable.... haiz... least there's light rather den theres no light.... haiz... haiz.. haiz.... y muz there be blows after blows after blows to beat me down down down down to the deepest of all miseries.... no rope cld reach........ me..... haiz.... so jialat.... i'm like in a abyss of darkness.... in a room wifout window nor lights.... in an enclosed cell where nobodi can reach..... in a vacuum whr no cries nor pleads cld be heard.... haiz.... oh mi god.... ooops... =X i forgot... theres no god existing in a vacuum who is able to answer to me... haiz haiz haiz.... will i be drained of life force or will i be killed in an instant? a slow death wld seem painful and torturing... for anyone but den one can realli see flashes of all the chance misses in life, all the brain cells working overtime to make u remember everything in life, go tru a short history lessons.... let u feel and see ur life tru a 3rd person view.... all of these are soooooooooooooo miserably disturbing.... oh mi god... oh mi god... oh mi god....

a quick death alwaes seems betta den dying miserabli slow..... quick death, everything will end v quickli "short and sweet" i shd sae.... draggy draggy draggy is neva the wae to go....think everyone will enjoy a quick death, bullet tru the skull or heart, fall from great height, or get run down by a moving vehicle.... death is so wonderful... if onli one cld experience death more den once den one can tell others how it realli feels and wat it is like awae from life. being close to death is more of an adrenaline rush rather den an experience of death itself.... if onli i cld be the 1st person to ever pen down how death is like... and that it not be imagined at all.... hw can anything beat the real thing ppl alwaes sae...

ok ok think i talk enuff abt death le... i will end here and go find the answer to my questions, find y i feel so extremeli low todae... find out if things can be changed, if ppl can be changed or is it that to accomodate is the onli wae to go in life... if we are to be accomodating to others all our life, wldn't there be so much chaos... coz evero minute every second u hafta adjust to other ppl.... haiz... so miserable is life.... ok ok i'll go on and on foreva... muz stop here liaoz...
bye bye blog... bye bye everyone.... bye bye.... last bye bye le...

遗忘记录史 3:32 PM

Saturday, November 20, 2004

hi~ itz me again~ ur everyday annoyed/disturbed/irritated human being surviving on this everyday self destructive earth... yeah yeah i know itz abit too earli to wake up to fill in the boring old blog where no peeps bother to look tru, but W.T.H., do u think this is wat i want? this is wat i get for working 12 hrs a dae, plus added black eye rings, bad temper and loads of complaints...
ok ok i admit it.... i'm here because of some left over spontaniety from yesterdae night when i wrote that long and irritated-based entry. therefore the title for todae morning's topic. all this over flowing spontaniety is realli killing me wif all the urges to write wat i m thinking.... now i understand y there is something called a diary or is it dairy... pardon my inglish.... coz i've not realli been using it since my JC daes ya? wif forgiveness comes grace... i hope so.... is there such a phrase? or did i juz invent something before the preacher even did? haiz... forget that, i'm blabbering awae again...
yesterdae nite chatted wif 2 colleagues over the phone abt office stuff and such and it is as tho that both of them are in their v own worlds and hold so many different views abt each another.... how long is this gonna go on until? haiz... wonder... wonder... wonder.... all these will never end unless someone realli comes along and put a stop to all these... might as well juz organise a, ard the fireplace chit-chat and everyone juz trash things out as they realli wanted alwaes to... yeapz... thats wat i think wld be the very best for them.... haiz... office politics... itz everywhere and it sux... realli sux big time... so... WATEVA..... *puh...*
yeap yeap for now, the next topic of all i've been wanting to pen down all week long... haiz.... BIG time prob manz... i haf tiz fren of mine who juz found his v 1st love. howeva seems tho this "1L" is so popular wif the other gender tt (i wld use IT in tiz case) it can neva stop mingling ard wif em. itz either she starts mingling or they start to mingle wif her... so either way, it realli is hurting for mi fren u see.... *feels the pain* hehe~ howeva one thing is that it plays ard alot in front of mi fren... i mean wat u do behind mi fren's back is ok s-long-s mi fren doesn't know or doesn't see... but right in front of him it does these things and it realli will and i mean realli will hurt that person deepli esp if it were me... so... plz... all frens who are out there reading this boring blog of mine, plz do not do this kind of things in front of ur other half coz it will cut so deepli that there might neva be any ways to recover from it. i do admit that playing will enrich one's life howeva... playing has a limit, not all kinds of playing is acceptable... haiz... poor fren of mine...
my fren told me this "sometimes giving up realli is the best solution, but alwaes comes the thought tt if 'if i give up now, wld i eva know wat will happen if i try' and thus i held on." i do agree wif wat he said and tried to aid him wif all comforts that come to mind but den... reality is alwaes cruel, wat other peeps sae can neva eva defeat wat reality shows. so cruel, cruel, cruel is this world that it realli starts to annoy me from all factors... haiz... "there are times when i realli reach the limit of tolerance and i feel realli realli to tell "IT" that i can't take it animore but den "IT" would so come along and comfort me so much so that i can neva let this relationship go. this frequent reassurance realli is wat pushes me along in this rls... i alwaes tell myself i can't give this up... coz i realli put alot of effort in this" haiz... my fren... haiz.... " "it" told me tt luv shd b kept in the heart, juz tt each other know is enuff alreadi do nt nid to sae out,but den... if u dun sae it u dun show it either... how do i know "iT' realli loves me?" haiz.... oh my oh my... my fren... my dear fren... do be strong... u will survive this......
from den on, i've been wondering... is this realli a test for him? a test of his will in this rls, a test of how he will survive all these turmoils and how one can overcome all odds.... but den to think back clearli on this, are we realli playing out "Survivor" in real life? i mean tiz is rls nt some game show or something... if happiness wld be seen as the prize money received, den y can't one BUY happiness instead of going ard.... tiz is realli ridiculous... and i do feel that itz v unfair to those who realli puts in effort and in the v end reaps full load of shit... haiz.... y... y... such an unfair world exist.... so saddistic is this world, so pessimistic it makes the ppl, so depleting is life on this world it realli is the worst place to be in... perhaps loneliness on the moon wld b far better off den all these meddlesome affairs on earth....
think i will end my entry here.... time to work... phones ringing... hell itz saturdae... haiz... phones ringing, ringing, ringing..... haiz.... gd bye frens, gd bye blog readers, gd bye sun, gd bye moon, gd bye to the world, gd bye earth, gd bye universe, gd bye to me....

[P.S.: i'll alwaes love u. alwaes do.... neva change.... till the end. i hope u too do love me alwaes... no matter wat u do i'll try to bear wif it allow u all the fredom needed... thanks god for ya gift.... *A-MEN*]

遗忘记录史 9:37 AM

Friday, November 19, 2004

haiz.... another boring, boring , boring dae in office.... looking at all the peeps who juz walk in and out of the company trying to pry discounts from the counter staffs.... what the hell... if we cld give discounts wif the snap of our fingers we would not be counter staffs anymore yeah? can't these peeps give us some considerate tots or something? all they do is ask and ask and ask and ask like we are encyclopeadia waiting to be read.....
when... haiz... when will god ever take those irritating peeps out of my life? oh no... oh no.... that can never happen... haiz... when oh when will that eva be.... i'm going delirious.... can someone like help me out here? i'm going mad.... realli mad.... haiz....
evridae there must be realli loads of ppl to go ard irritating others to fulfil their utmost purpose in life... which is to...... IRRITATE other ppl lahz... wat elz? (*speak of the devil* in comes an auntie shouting "WHO CAN HELP ME WITH GENTING TOUR!!!") itz like wat the hell? we are not deaf~ we juz choose to ignore u coz we dun like our work having to tiringli put on idiotic smiley faces to welcome em. whats the use? ultimateli we are still made to seem like idiots sitting behind table who can regurgitate the prices of most of the stupid trips one can ever think of going? and somemore, can't they wait for an answer instead of one shot ask 300000 different unrelated qns that we haf to spend sooooooo much time to think and check up before answering.... 12hrs a day is no easi shit to do. if one can stand 12 hrs of head-banging, ear-ringing and question answering............ god damn illitating~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! argh~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *bangs head against the wall 1000000 times*
all the aunties in the world... plz hear my cry for pardonness.... oh plz... realli plz.... plz let me off from all ur unreasonable demands~ i'm going to die off liaoz.... evri 12 hrs i spend here depletes 0.2% of my life force..... itz like i'm feeling damn old already.... think i'm at the age of 50+ when i'm looking like 30+ which my actual age is only a hell load of 21 yrs onli..... dang.... these depletion is killing me....
and den there are those indonesian customers who are realli cute and appreciative of our services, who i realli like to entertain coz they realli provide u wif alot of different information and opens ur eyes to the whole of indonesia howeva one thing abt em is that they either speak Bahasa Indonesia or they complete their chinese sentences wif a 'yeah' hehehehe not tt i dun like it but i find it v interesting and fun to talk that wae.... on the other hand... our indian customers tend to come in putting on a protective front showing the "dun u dare bully/discriminate/overcharge me juz coz i'm black" look and attitude.... so wat if u think that wae? itz like who out there wants to eva discriminate ani1 of u..... haiyoh... dun anyhow think k? we are a multi-racial country we must survive and be strong together... hope u all think likewise... =)
oh yeah... something elz... there are juz some peeps who are so inconsiderate on the train that i see evridae, they juz like to lean on the poles on the train no matter whether there are peeps ard them or not? how can they be so selfish? haiz... one is not very sure of what these peeps are thinking of, they are either so selfish that they want to keep the pole to themselves and bring it home or they juz are so sadistic that they want to see other ppl ard them keep losing their balance wheneva the train stops or moves. soooo sianz.... haiz.... y do i hafta make all of u read these kind of stupid stuff all of my complains and such... so unreasonable rite? oh my god i muz go and rethink it over....
i'm sorry if i've tortured any of u peeps' eyes for all these while for staring at the page reading whole loads of nonsense wifout knowing why... if itz possible, i'll pay u guys for ur specs in case u all end up having bad eyesight coz of staring at this page.... wat? wat elz u guys want? u can't expect me to pay ur net timing for spending ur precious time reading this timing... haiz... oh my god... y is everyone in the company so bad mood.... oh no i'm changing topics horribly fast... .oh my oh my.... this is terrible.. i can't focus.... argh~!!!! where is my concentration? here conce, conce.... come back to papa.... come on over here u f*cking conce~ oooops... =X i'm utterli sorry for making u guys see that.... all my fault... =( plz do forgive me...
oh my m i going insane? i think i m.... damn... stupid blog.... make me can't stop all these nonsense.... argh~!!! stop~ stop~ STTTTTOPPPPPPP~!!!!
okok.... i've stopped... think itz time to let go.... gd bye dudes... thanks for dropping by... hope u haf a nice dae if there's still any of it left.... cherio~ take care and gd luck~

(P.S.: thank god for answering my prayers and giving me a realli nice gift (gf) hope that u can allow us to carry on for as long as life will eva last. realli realli thank u god. i'll still belif u no matter wat happens now... thanks for letting me wait so long testing my patience thanks.... *A-MEN*)

遗忘记录史 5:25 PM