rilly4gt10

[ Shed Off Station / 解脫 ]

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

can there ever be unconditional love? haiz... can love realli exist juz by both parties knowing love is in their hearts? wat can one get from loving in such a wae? or is there such ppl who onli want to known as "attached but still very available"? can there ever be someone who is single yet attached? hw can all this eva happen?

it alwaes seems like one party is giving, the other taking yet nt reciprocating... all this is so v tiring and so hurting... all coz one is putting in so much effort while the other juz mereli puts in wateva her lil finger can afford to lift... seems tho itz not worth to be in such a rls since there is no return from the endless investments or no harvest from all those hard works to nurture and grow luv... by standers wld realli juz laff at the person who is so dumb and foolish to still wanting to follow this vicious cycle tt never reaps any profit but more pain n suffering. so dumb n foolish i think to myself too, but if i neva try, wld there b any results? wat if i tried and there wld b favourable results... but den... who m i kidding.... one-sided affairs are alwaes foolish and nonsensical. they are juz excuses for one side to be deepli in luv n the other side to show others tt they are so fortunate. is it so hard for reciprocation to happen? nt the v least once? occassionalli one may sae is enuff but is it realli enuff to realli keep everiting going? hw will others think? "u reap wat u sow" they say, but it doesn't happen. so much efforts put in but all are juz taken and left aside, so wth m i trying so hard for? haiz.... can someone plz help....

u'd tell me b4 that luv dun nid to sae out, juz know itz in the heart can le... yeah... i know itz in the heart, somewhere, juz that i dunnoe where, where is ur "in the heart"? is it at the v back where u hide it so secretly that u will neva even bother to bring it out ever again? if ttz eva the caze, den ur "in the heart" theory is juz a facade for u to disguise ur very intentions to keep someone by ur side for as long as u nid... if u realli put love in ur heart n dun sae out at all, will the other party ever know... if ttz the wae u feel things shd b, there won't b any nid for sweet toking, no one will sae "I love u", no one will show the other party ani concern. everyone will juz mind their own business and take life as it wld be.... if things were nt to be said/showed coz u will know itz thr den haiz... dun wish to carry on this... each haf their own opinion... i'm prejudiced so be it...

hw can a rls be presented as "i'm tt wae, i told u b4, u like it u take it, u dunch, u can juz leave it, ttz all" haiz... itz tho rls is juz an item tt u present to others to test the acceptance. hw cld tiz eva be.... u may b young and reckless but when will u eva bcum mature if u eva wanna stay this wae foreva? change is nt something u can do, u sae... but change is something u will undergo, itz nt something u can DO.... if resistance to change makes u feel betta, by all means plz juz go ahead and resist. all i want is for u 2 b wat u feel will make u happie...

which person can eva stand their other half doing things that hurt them right in front of them? they wldn't even know wat happens realli behind their back. wld it be worst, wld it be less or perhaps nt as bad as in presence of tt v person? who can realli stand ur other half flirt abt wif the other gender right under their nose? tolerance is the wae to go one might say... but how long can one eva tolerate all this humiliation and misery? everyday is such a long time to pass, nobody can realli last v long coz itz v tiring juz nt to think of it nor to see all these things.... further more to worrie abt wat happens behind their backs..... being cuckold is realli more den wat most peeps can eva tolerate.if one sees freedom as being able to flirt ard even when one is attached den the freedom seems to be abit more den freedom. y eva get into a rls when u still wanna go ard flirting? doesn't it make one realise that it realli hurts the other party to see all these happening? is it realli that hard to notice? explanation serves onli as an excuse.... words neva speak louder den action.... if words can let one get awae wif everiting, den there shd neva be action. [i find that i've been frowning every second i'm typing all this, tears are rolling within the eyes. onli inner strength from the soul is holding them back... i'm nt trying to touch anyone wif this, juz pinning down all thats realli bothering me dae to dae to dae to dae...]

everidae is so emotionalli tiring, peers haf asked me to let go earli but how cld i? i've devoted myself to this rls even more den i devote to myself. i'm willing to change to suit the other party but y can't everything be 2 wae instead of one? i'm like travelling on a one wae expresswae trying to meet someone who i m suppose to meet but seems tho that person neva ever set off at all... i'm racing... racing... racing... but neva will i meet that someone nor the end of the road... so painful i've alwaes felt eva since i've fallen in.... this trap is so full of torments n misery i wonder hw long i can last... will there eva be light at the end of the tunnel if u stick to it... seems like there is no possibilities... except for the minute times u get to see candles tt help lite up abit of the tunnel...

think my eyes are playing tricks on me... i'm starting to see the words dance... or is it coz of all the tears stuck there... i'm nt sure if i shd carry on.... i m indeed a foolish person if i were to sae.... i m thinking of it everynite,day and time... so sad i get everytime i think i hafta let go coz i know i willl regret everything in the end and juz lose myself... haiz... all those tormentous sessions i went tru... all the sadness i get in life... now is the peak of all of these emotional distress... psychology has alwaes been my fav thing but den nw i think tt i can't take up psycho coz i realli m too affected by things to be realli in control... i've lost my dreams... i've lost myself... i've lost my v soul... nothing can retrieve me from the realms of the lostness... revival will never be a solution... death awaits at the interval. when that will be, there no definite answer.... this is like a slow death for me.... everyday i go thru the same old pain, i juz go tru it all... as tho itz part and parcel of life... if that is the wae i hafta go on... haiz....

think i'll end here... crying is neva an option for guys... if onli there wld be understanding parents in the household i can open to.... the onli child alwaes suffer emotionalli alone... hide in a corner and be autistic is wat i shd do... gd bye frenz... once i'm autistic i may nt remember who u all are... thanks for reading all this... but do remember me if u realli care.... otherwise.... juz like my nick suggest... i can be really4gt10 (really forgotten) gd bye dear dear world that open my eyes to so much things before i can realli set myself to fight for wat i want... giving up seems like the best option to me nw... how m i gonna put it.... haiz... gd bye den... i'll hafta think of a wae.... amiable or nt itz nt up to me to decide... but wait i shd hold on or shd i... i realli nid help... shd i dial 1800-46434357 (1800-i-nid-help) haiz... wat shd i do....

[P.S.: i will neva stop loving u juz tt it realli hurts me everytime to see wat u do. every bit hurts... so much pain i carry wif me into my sleep everytime having to try and hide them awae but be reminded of it everytime i see u. i try nt to look but it juz so alwaes happen onli when i look. hw can i nt care? if i dun care, who will? juz let u know i will love u alwaes]

遗忘记录史 10:56 PM