rilly4gt10

[ Shed Off Station / 解脫 ]

Monday, December 13, 2004

great... it was juz great yesterdae... it was my worst dae in my life, so much agony when i read that sms that came... it was the end, the end of all my hopez... no matter wat i did i cldn't revive this hope. it was like *pooof* and it was gone... vanished into thin air no where to be found... if u r wondering wat i'm saying, itz my gf... she told me it was time to break... after all this while i finallie realised, i finallie realised that i was totalli in the wrong for all along in the rls....

i know admitting now doesn't help at all coz itz nt going to save anything not even the slimmest of hope for reconciliation... i've realli gotta go and kill myself or something but den suicide tots are juz foolish.. nobody wld wanna do that for gods sake or for anyone elses sake. now i dun even dare to look tru my phone... everything inside has her traces or even herself in it... haiz... i've brought all these misery to myself... it now time for me to face all the sorrow and punishment alone.

from last nites sms-es i finallie realise that i've been the one causing all the pain for her wif all the foolish things that i've shown her. wat was i thinking putting up all those nicks for her to see... it defeated my real purpose and created so much pain for her when ppl go ard asking her abt wat happened to me when she dun even realli know wat happened... i was being so insensitive all the while... all my paranoia and wandering tots lead me to all those stupid things that i've said... itz no wonder that shes feeling so much pressure and beginning to lyk me less and less over the daes till finallie when we confronted yesterdae tt she reallie admitted she cannot hold out any longer... haiz... wat haf i done... crying doesn't help, hitting myself doesn't either... blaming juz adds on to more miserie... it juz sux to reallie finallie realise tt i've been the big jerk all this while who caused so much pain to the one i love most. nw that shes so determined to give up tt i feel that i've lost all that i haf... my own happiness, everything left thats gd and that i can rely on.... i'm an onli child, my family members are unreliable... haiz.. was looking to realli rely on this rls to give me all the companionship i've been looking for... but now i realise deep down that i myself destroyed all this single handedly wif all the things i've done....

i so regret all these... tears are starting to fall... i can't hold them back any longer.... if onli i had asked her earlier and told her how i felt to sort things out den things wld haf been betta... but now... itz juz too late... y do i alwaes hafta wait till i realli lose something then i will know wat value it holds dearly in my life... i've been cheating myself all along saying how much i've loved her and cared for her.... in fact all i've brought to her was juz a whole bunch of misery and nothing else... i'm so sorry to u patricia.... for causing all those painful memories in our rls... if u r reading this... i hope u will understand that i've put those nicks juz to wanna let u know i care so much for u it hurts when u dun understand me and that i wished u wld haf shown that u cared but instead it caused the opposite of wat i wanted.... ppl came asking u wat u did to me and irritated u so much... i shd haf juz kept our rls to our own and nt involve everyone else ard us... itz all my fault that u haf to go tru all that. i still love u no matter how much u sae tiz feeling and rls is over... i juz can't put it down juz like that... haiz... u haf no wrong in this... itz all my wishful thinking not bothering to sort things out face to face instead... i've gone tru the wrong media to get wat i haf wanted and i'm now severely punished by that for losing u all my life... frens u sae u wanna be... i will try... but itz v hard for me to do so...itz realli v hard... haiz... i'll try.... but no promises....

at least nw i've learnt tt dun alwaes wait till everything cannot be saved den start to treasure it. things taken for granted will alwaes be lost in the end. nobody wants to lose wat they treasure the most... itz nt worth it to lose this kind of things. if theres doubt, clear things out, itz betta that wae... i've lost wat i haf due to the above points... i will learn to change them... but i hope that the rls still can be saved and carried on... haiz... pls do give me another chance to be ur bf if possible... nt nw, but in the future after i've changed...

dear blog thanks for listening... i know i'm going to become autistic soon, my lack of self confidence and paranoia has realli caused me alot of frenz lost and alot of treasured ppl missed out... i'm losing myself to my dark side... i'm juz gonna be an empty person soon... so empty theres nothing to know abt me, i'm juz like an open book wif empty pages, ppl juz open and forget abt me the next minute... a book, empty as it is, is so sad to be even read... or looked upon... from that emptiness alot can be seen... happie moments n sad moments but most of all itz juz idiocracy and foolishness playing part....who in the world can see these things from emptiness? haiz... i'm going mad think i nid therapy.... no therapy juz doesn't help... i juz nid to hide in one dark corner awae from people...

遗忘记录史 9:28 AM